19/8 (tues)

Katherine Anne Porter wrote, "Don't be afraid of giving yourself away, for if you write, you must. And if you can't face that, better not write."

well, this quote sums up what i have been trying to do with my blog so far. but yesterday, when it came to the crunch, i found that i couldn't practise what i preached after all. i stared at the computer, obsessing about the possibility of potential lurkers using this episode against me (ridiculous, i know!) and finally shut it down in exasperation.

but i won't have myself as a hypocrite. that's why i'm laying bare this incident in what i hope is a reasonable showing of grace and dignity intact. i will like to reassure you guys that i'm feeling much better though. the mere fact that i'm typing this entry furiously attests to me getting back on my feet liao.

for the uninitiated, i taught for 2 weeks at a tuition centre. then, last sunday, the person-in-charge called me up to fire me, saying that she had asked feedback from my students and that they "don't understand"

it was really dumb of me not to ask her to elaborate on my failings then but i was too shocked and hurt to react intelligently. cos i didn't see it coming

felt like such a failure becos i'm going to be a teacher after all and to be told that i suck is really a personal attack to the core of my being. only 4 students and i couldn't do my job well?! and the thing is that i have always been confident that i will be a great teacher, immodest as this may sound. teaching isn't just something that i want to do; it's something that i always thought i would do well. am i bound on the wrong trail and hence wasting taxpayers' money?

i just couldn't believe that my students would say such a thing because i have never observed anything amiss in my classes. i repeated several times and asked if they understood before moving on. if they felt this way, i must be this horrible smart-ass to them, knowing the stuff well but not able to package the knowledge in a level they will be comfortable with.

but i didn't think i was that terrible at reading signals. and granted that i sucked, i couldn't believe that these boys would keep quiet and not tell me during the lessons. because i don't think they are the reserved sort. it can't also be that they are intimidated by me because they are bigger in size than me, for goodness' sake. plus, i thought i was on easy-going terms with them, since i did make attempts to make small talk *grins*.

which is a round-about-the-bush way of saying that i didn't think i was so inaccessible that the boys felt that they couldn't tell me their truth. i may be defensive by saying this but i was adamant that i didn't teach badly. which is why this pill is so bitter to swallow

so, i was more inclined to think that the person in-charge fired me to fulfill her personal agenda and that she used the "don't understand" as an excuse. and the fact that she fired me on sunday when my lesson was on thursday added major weight to my conspiracy theory. how else could she have found another tutor so fast? but then again, i don't understand why on earth she would want to do that for? i mean, why go through all that unnecessary hassle if you don't think your tutor is incompetent?

in short, i tortured myself by going over and over this vicious cycle of destructive thoughts. and i haven't even listed down some sideline thoughts, for fear that they would make me look real pathetic and foolish. more than anything else, i was afraid that this incident would leave lasting scars in my psyche and i would always be doubtful about my ability to teach.

Angeline suggested that i go and approach my students if i really felt so bu gan yuan. gotta get to the bottom of things. i said "No way" at first becos my contract conveniently stated that i not approach anyone related to the tuition centre after my stint and i want to play safe and not implicate myself in anything legal

later during the night, i felt this righteous indignation and anger rising up within me and i was kinda repeating "I'm not going to take this lying down" in my mind until the voice grew so loud and resolute until i thought i was going through with it.

then, i woke up this morning and decided that i will not be this pathetic stalker who hangs around the centre so that he could pounce on teenagers and harass them for feedback.

i could ask the person in-charge point-blank to justify what she meant by her statement. yup, i'm going to do that when i get my pay next month. actually, i had the opportunity to do so yesterday but i was afraid that i couldn't keep a tight rein on my emotions and embarrass myself, what with my voice coming out as squeaky and whiny and my body shaking and what have you

thank you for reading to the end. and i'm grateful for your patronage becos i sure as hell don't want to go through this alone. thanks for sharing this with me. and don't worry--i feel better today and can even look at what i have written so far and laugh at myself for being melodramatic (as always!).

ending this with a favourite prayer:

God grant me
the serenity to accept
things i cannot change,
the courage to change
things i can,
and the wisdom to
know the difference