a rollercoaster-ride week

Sometimes, i'm not taking NS as well as i previously thought or should. i dread feeling the pang of melancholy and xian-ness whenever i leave home to book in on Sunday nights. i dislike being conscious of the achingly-slow passage of time so intensely. i dislike my pep act of reminding myself to take one day at a time and to hold myself together, for the alternative of succumbing to perpetual moodiness for the long vigil to ORD is more than i can stand.

i am not quite adequate to handle these sentiments yet. a part of me wants to thrust these thoughts out into the limelight of my mind so that i can agonise and grieve properly before moving on. another part of me wants to banish these thoughts, slap myself out of self-pity mode and think positive thoughts til they resonate like a mindless chant that will sail me through NS.

Where is the 10-year-series answer that will help me cope with my predicament?
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i seem to have a knack of making unpopular decisions. i forwent the chances of attending Commencement and underwent chagrin from others. i volunteered to go for Ex. Wallably (in Australia), to the non-understanding of my branch mates.

initially, it started off as a cheapo measure to travel for free. then, as i got increasingly unsatisfied from doing pointless office work, Ex. Wallably became symbolic as escapism from a dreary existance.

thing is, i wish to do something more substantial than merely erasing and filling up forms (one of the mundane tasks that define my current existance). there's not to say that i would embark on enticingly challenging tasks in Wallably but there's the window of opportunity for exciting exotic things to happen. Hopping kangaroos. Wondering why emus look like ostrichs. Star-gazing. Shivering in low temperatures.

of course, i can't explain all these to my branch mates, who basically want to serve and fuck off. Why bother? their would-be slogan. actually, i'm not so sure i even understand my rationale myself

until i felt disappointed when i heard on Monday that i won't be going. and upbeat when i found out on Friday that they made a last-minute change and that i would be going after all.

i'm curious why i never knew for sure until these emotions started emerging out of my subconsciousness in response to circumstances. Follow your heart, or so they say, it will never fail you. but i wish for my rational self and emotional self to reconcile as i still have a lingering suspicion that i'm crazy for wanting to go.
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i ran a total of 33 km this week: 12km (Mon, ~60mins), 5km (Wed) and ~16km (Fri, east coast park, 70.17mins--improved timing over my ~72mins 4 years ago!)

How to run 16km at East Coast Park:
-repeat a song until it chants in your head and takes your mind off the run
-go into a slight panic when you suddenly forget the song that has been in your head after some distraction. (Shit, no other song is going to sustain me!)
-keeping eyes on the ground so as not to be demoralised by the blink-and-you'll-miss traces of runners before you
-try to convince yourself that you aren't competing against others but yourself alone. never mind that your ego fails to co-operate
-think Fuck, why am i staring at the ground?! and pretend to take in the beautiful scenery
-become obsessed with overtaking the runner before you and narrowing the gap a step at a time
-get cheap thrill when doing U-turns and seeing all the staggers behind you
-let your mind and body be in two opposing camps. your mind surrenders to despair and blasts, Ohmygod, how more to go? can i stop? shall i stop? screw my timing! while your body valiantly struggles on, despite the stabbing pains
-remember to breathe
-collapse in an undignifed manner after reaching the end point