old friends

The much-hyped, much-discussed and much-anticipated primary school gathering was held yesterday. Well, much-anticipated by all except for me as i was deliberating whether i should even turn out at all. I'm not the gregarious type who can feel at ease during large group gatherings where everyone seems to fiddle around more with their handphones than engage in the company before them. I'm not quite adept at making small talk either and really, there is only so many times in which I can nod politely and make soothing noises before the whole communication exchange feels staged.

I'm not sure what tipped the scales to propel me to attend in the end but i could actually feel my heart pounding faster than normal as i arrived at the meeting place, deliberately late for half an hour so that i wouldn't have to endure through awkward silences as my ex-classmates and i waited for staggering latecomers. i was rather amused at how i dreaded this gathering.

Upon my arrival at Hooters, I saw Meijiao, Lixian, Huiyi, Lisi, Huishan, Chuling, Yanwen, Wenxiang and Alvin. 15 minutes later, I regretted my decision to come. The girls chattered among themselves in twos and threes and i wasn't up to muscling my way into their conversations. The guys periodically exchanged opinions about the soccer match that was shown, a topic i wasn't conversant about. So, i dealt with my unease the best way i could--i sucked at my Long Island Tea (which felt incidentally quite potent--I had overestimated my drinking prowess) and pretended that I was one of the gang by stealing occasional glances at the TV set, just that I didn't share whatever opinions i might have. Not that anyone would have noticed, of course. Hee.

Zhixian came and was soon engrossed in a chat with Wenxiang.

After dinner, we moved over to The Coffee Connoiseeur. I guess things picked up from the disastrous dinner, for Derek, Simon and Yangwen, guys that I were closer to in primary school, joined us there. Simon and Derek gave visible gasps of pleasure when they saw me and indeed, I tried to convey how I was similarly touched in firm handshakes. Along with Yan Mayling, they had come down there and then after receiving last-minute calls from Huishan and Zhixian. I was quite impressed at how they chose to make the effort at such short notice and felt kinda guilty at the lack of thought and significance i had attached to this gathering with my flippant attitude.

So, this makes a total of fourteen of us, an impressive feat considering how some of us hadn't even chanced upon one another since our graduation more than a decade ago. And it was a good chilling-out session too as people went around changing their positions on the couches just so they could have a chance to talk to everyone present, a process that was natural and spontaneous.

It's amazing how everyone's facial features hasn't changed much since primary school. It's interesting how our personalities don't seem to have evolved much either. Just to quote some examples, Huiyi still rambles at machine-gun speed. Yangwen still takes digs at people good-naturedly. Derek still seems to be persistent at things that he feels passionate about (except in those days, he would have probably been labelled as stubborn. hee). Simon is still hung-up about his unconventional academic path. It was especially hilariously touching when we cringed at our geeky childhood selves on our ICs and grumbled about the stupid rule that only allows us to change them when we turn thirty. For how many people could lay claim to the fact that they have known you since ten?

Actually, I didn't talk much for the rest of the night either. I think it's apparent that I don't belong with them, for i am one of the few who moved on to do university. Then, i chose to undertake a socially-stifling job, i.e. teaching and worse still, my position in life has currently regressed since i am finishing the remainder of NS liability. All in all, this makes me a geek who is clueless about the ways of the working world and who isn't quite independent since i have no viable earning power yet. It's glaringly obvious that I'm pretty much a kid still fumbling his way through when compared to them. Hell, my fashion choice that night revealed all. I was the only guy who wore a tee and jeans and accessories while the rest were decked in more mature collared tees/shirts.

And being the ladies' man that they are, Yangwen and Derek paid more attention to the girls rather than reminisce about old times with me. I don't mean to begrudge them, by the way:P.

But I didn't feel lonely either, as i was contented with listening to the random snippets of conversation around me and contributing my views whenever possible and appropriate. I don't know how i would survive the next gathering, i don't know how these once-close companions of mine perceive me and my lack of interpersonal skills but I do know that i felt this adrenalin rush when i eventually left for home. Perhaps it was the simple thrill of seeing these once-close companions of mine and noticing that we have all turned out more or less unscathed from the trials of growing up. Perhaps it was the opportunity of meeting people of various professions and having my horizons broadened by discussing topics that wouldn't pop up with my limiting social circle. Perhaps it was the feeling that we mattered something to one another after all these years and that our existances weren't in vain at least in eyes of our childhood buddies. Perhaps it was the promise of rejuvenated friendships. Whatever it was, I was grateful i didn't shy away from attending.