this week crawls slowly

went to subordinate court to attend the court hearing of this serviceman who's being charged with drug trafficking. watched the anxious faces of his parents and felt sorry for them for having to withstand such emotional trauma. kinda wondered about the kind of son i have been to my lao pa lao ma and felt a never-before-considered need to do good so that they would be proud of me

raised my eyebrows when the Your Honour turned out to be a female. and when the accused turned out to be this guy that i had earlier assumed to be the elder brother of the serviceman since i was expecting the accused to appear at court, handcuffed and escorted by burly policemen. guess this court hearing shattered my narrow perceptions of the prototypical court hearing as gleaned from TV serials. hee

***********************

am not flying under the radar as well as i would hope. after i revealed that i'm an Eng Lang graduate, i was kena arrowed to do a write-up on Motivation of Junior Armour Specialists for my RSM (friendly disposition as recounted in an earlier post). i think he was glad to be relieved of this tortuous task and trusted my perceived abilties enough not to vet my work. still, he recommended me to SSG Eric, who entasked me to do his powerpoint presentation (on the same topic, btw)

so, without meaning to, i am slowly carving out a reputation as the ang mo very powderful one.
kinda flattering, yes but embarrassing

actually, if truth be told, i quite relish being asked to do others' write-ups. sounds masochistic but i like the chance to think and to type out neatly-compartmentalized thoughts on the screen, creating something new from scratch. i rather do this than endure through brainless data checking, which i arrogantly dismiss as a waste of time, life and my talents. hee. i fantasize myself as putting my rudimentary skills to the test in the "real world" (read: non-school). Even if the military functions on separate principles from the corporate ladder and can be said to be detached from Reality. lastly, for some unknown reason, i love getting out of S1 branch office, even if it's just to slog away in another office. How absurd of me to feel such! But true nonetheless

though i should tread cautiously if incidents of a similar nature occur again, for i think my superiors would take offence if i keep disappearing from the office for hours at end and not contribute to the productivity of my own branch. the intriguing business of navigating work relationships. ha!

p/s: i'm surprised at how academic some of the responsibilities high-ranking army personnel have to fulfil as part of their job scope

************************

blog slut~someone who vomits out all he feels on the blank white screen

whatever happened to my old belief of "certain things should be left unsaid". am i moving in a healthy direction?

a rollercoaster-ride week

Sometimes, i'm not taking NS as well as i previously thought or should. i dread feeling the pang of melancholy and xian-ness whenever i leave home to book in on Sunday nights. i dislike being conscious of the achingly-slow passage of time so intensely. i dislike my pep act of reminding myself to take one day at a time and to hold myself together, for the alternative of succumbing to perpetual moodiness for the long vigil to ORD is more than i can stand.

i am not quite adequate to handle these sentiments yet. a part of me wants to thrust these thoughts out into the limelight of my mind so that i can agonise and grieve properly before moving on. another part of me wants to banish these thoughts, slap myself out of self-pity mode and think positive thoughts til they resonate like a mindless chant that will sail me through NS.

Where is the 10-year-series answer that will help me cope with my predicament?
******************

i seem to have a knack of making unpopular decisions. i forwent the chances of attending Commencement and underwent chagrin from others. i volunteered to go for Ex. Wallably (in Australia), to the non-understanding of my branch mates.

initially, it started off as a cheapo measure to travel for free. then, as i got increasingly unsatisfied from doing pointless office work, Ex. Wallably became symbolic as escapism from a dreary existance.

thing is, i wish to do something more substantial than merely erasing and filling up forms (one of the mundane tasks that define my current existance). there's not to say that i would embark on enticingly challenging tasks in Wallably but there's the window of opportunity for exciting exotic things to happen. Hopping kangaroos. Wondering why emus look like ostrichs. Star-gazing. Shivering in low temperatures.

of course, i can't explain all these to my branch mates, who basically want to serve and fuck off. Why bother? their would-be slogan. actually, i'm not so sure i even understand my rationale myself

until i felt disappointed when i heard on Monday that i won't be going. and upbeat when i found out on Friday that they made a last-minute change and that i would be going after all.

i'm curious why i never knew for sure until these emotions started emerging out of my subconsciousness in response to circumstances. Follow your heart, or so they say, it will never fail you. but i wish for my rational self and emotional self to reconcile as i still have a lingering suspicion that i'm crazy for wanting to go.
**************************
i ran a total of 33 km this week: 12km (Mon, ~60mins), 5km (Wed) and ~16km (Fri, east coast park, 70.17mins--improved timing over my ~72mins 4 years ago!)

How to run 16km at East Coast Park:
-repeat a song until it chants in your head and takes your mind off the run
-go into a slight panic when you suddenly forget the song that has been in your head after some distraction. (Shit, no other song is going to sustain me!)
-keeping eyes on the ground so as not to be demoralised by the blink-and-you'll-miss traces of runners before you
-try to convince yourself that you aren't competing against others but yourself alone. never mind that your ego fails to co-operate
-think Fuck, why am i staring at the ground?! and pretend to take in the beautiful scenery
-become obsessed with overtaking the runner before you and narrowing the gap a step at a time
-get cheap thrill when doing U-turns and seeing all the staggers behind you
-let your mind and body be in two opposing camps. your mind surrenders to despair and blasts, Ohmygod, how more to go? can i stop? shall i stop? screw my timing! while your body valiantly struggles on, despite the stabbing pains
-remember to breathe
-collapse in an undignifed manner after reaching the end point

Forced maturity

We were trading life stories
and I asked you
why you seem so anxious to settle down

Your spontaneous, simple statement of
"Because i don't have a home"
rose above
the drone of unhappy voices
in the overcrowded food-court

Having underestimated
your twenty-years-of-age
and pigeon-holed your concerns
with fun, frivolous stuff,
I inhaled my breath sharply

and ached for
your astute insight on emptiness
and the volumes you left unspoken

for aaron

getting used to run-of-the-mill ending

--brushing teeth after napping in bed after breakfast becos my branch mates do it.
--looking out of the window from where i sleep and admiring the sun strategically framed in all its orange-glow entirety
--listening to mates congregrate together at night and trade ghost stories about Tekong (notably, "stand by organs"). taking back my smug and dismissive impressions that non-cheong-sua clerks won't get to experience camaraderie
--finding my tempo in a 8km run. that, after feeling pain in my right hamstring and being concerned that i may not be able to complete the run
--realizing the draining aftereffects of 0800-2200 hours mind-numbing office work
--spending my birthday in camp. cutting my second birthday cake of all time (black forest cake)
--wondering if branch politics is present, as choy and chris make it out to be
--coping with weekday confinement better than was the case 4 years ago. knowing when to relinquish control over my life and to refrain from whining about it--a sign of coming-of-age calm acceptance?