1st full week in 46SAR/HQ/S1 branch

2nd 12km run was better. at least, didn't feel like vomitting! though i somehow strained my calf or whatsoever and had to half-limp my way back during the last 2 or 3km. it's disgusting and alarming how my fitness has deteriorated

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was audience to a surprisingly intellectual discussion (becos one just doesn't talk about such things. and certainly doesn't expect to do so in lethargy-inducing NS). Chris remarked how he might step forward to point out flaws in the NS system after he ORDs, without fear of any repercussions for himself. Kelvin questioned why would he be sufficiently motivated to do so when he's already out of the system and won't benefit from any improvements made? then, they started discussing about the psyche of the Singaporean people, how we are conditioned to hanker after narrow manifestations of success (read: acquire material possessions), how young Singaporeans blindly tread the path towards attaining an university degree without knowing why they are there and what they really want from life, how pessimistic Kelvin feels about the future of Singapore, how nerdy overseas scholars are supposed to lead the nation, how apathetic we are yadda dadda.
seems like a melancholic chat but it was really cool to hear my fellow Singaporeans' candid and thought-provoking opinions about our society. not that whining about how much shit we take from work/school isn't legitimate. but it's refreshing to hear something different for once, to listen to them transend beyond our pathetic existance and talk about broader issues. guess being in NS helped since it's easier to detach military life away from the remnants of our personal lives

Is the average Singaporean grossly unhappy?

I'm glad to call Singapore my home. is it politically incorrect to admit that?

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tend to stammer when i speak to my superiors. i try to be unflappable but can't help feeling anxious that i would kena fucked. was quite surprised when i found myself feeling so high after working on my RSM's powerpoint slides in his office. being able to hear FM93.3 is one enormously appealing factor (we can't listen to radio in S1 branch and yes, my RSM is hip!). but i realised that it's the sense of normalcy of civilian behaviour that my very very nice (but buey kan, according to changsheng) RSM retains about him that allows me to feel totally relaxed. i can afford to be myself when i'm with him. hell, he even bought and brought me tea from the canteen!

becos of the way he makes me feel at ease, i will gladly do any dirty job (refrained from saying sia kang becos my CO doesn't like it) for him

will i ever understand why some army regulars are so harped on about rank?

foreign familiarity

ahh, for a chance to use this pompous line:
Nothing has changed. Yet everything has changed.

回 army lor!!

hmm, there's this guy at S1 branch who's almost as tall as me but weighs only 40kg. now, i understand how it feels like to be at the other side of the coin because i had to restrain myself from asking, "why are you so thin? never eat enough, is it?" even though i personally know how irritating and tired this question can get

struggled with 10km. i miss how i used to eat up the miles, like all these formidable distances are, yawn, beneath me

worked til 11+ pm, digging a trench around the drain becos supposedly grass cannot touch the sides of the drain. so anal! i kept wondering how lifang would have freaked out when she saw us plucking out the grass. then, area-cleaned bunk til 1+ am. i have never pined for the bed more. as i was doing all this sai kang, i was thinking about how i would remember my second day in HQ vividly decades from now. and it was kinda nice to see how the people in S1 branch work together and to observe the dymanics.

it's real cool to see people talk rapidly to-and-fro with reckless abandon. as in, most people in my social circle tend to be cautious about the way they speak and the content they deliver. nothing wrong with that except that sometimes talk seems less spontaneous

yesterday's mood triggers

an ode to Mon, 16/8/04

felt fucking moody

between $600/stay-in NS n $350/stay-out NS, which option would u pick?
i wasn't sure at first and didn't think i could ever come to a resolution but my preference became obvious yesterday. i value freedom too much. now that i have had the opportunity to travel a few places, it seems a harsh n bitter pill to take when i have to be imprisoned in a god-forsaken camp for five-n-a-half days per week

felt excited

when changsheng smsed me with the "bad" news that our unit is the pioneer batch to train in India next feb n it seems that we all would have to go. sorry matey but you have chosen the wrong audience for mutual lamenting. i am non-discriminatory when i say i wanna travel around the world. so if tis NS stint will put another destination on my been-there-done-that travel list, then hell ya

felt gan dong

for no apparent reason actually but i was quite overwhelmed when i found my cheong sua gloves unexpectedly in my four-year-old's army mess. i never moved outfield without my trusty gloves; i would feel naked without them. amazing how man attaches sentiment to the weirdest things but it's real cool to see them again

felt thrilled

when i checked my email and found out that Hui Ling, at least, has been toying with the idea of becoming a leader/facilitator (see below post). í'm not sure if i'm feeling that need for follow-in-my-footsteps gratification kind of validation but i guess it must mean that i have done something right after all if my participants want to take up leadership roles for YEP. so, i spent two hours writing that email becos i wanted to sound encouraging without being patronising. Also, i wanted to draw from my own experience without drawing attention to myself becos i didn't want to seem as if i were fishing for compliments. an email that will keep it real and not lose the optimistic touch

felt energtic

when i saw my Thai host Pi Noy's email about this english forum that she's setting up for us. she wrote a short paragraph about the mission of her organization and i felt galvanized into action to do something more for her, to help her create more awareness. also, i read this posting by a Korean who visited Dekrakpha 4 years ago and i felt hopeful that my guan xi with Pi Jued and Pi Noy needn't run its course now that my YEP is over. perhaps i have been wasting time n web space with my convoluted crap of lamenting the fragility of friendships. Keep things simple lar!

the email that took me 2 hours to write

hey hey foresters

well Hui Ling, i don't know what skills i possess n u lack but i dun tink anyone can ever b fully mentally prepared to take on a YEP since there's a lot of depth to a YEP experience n life springs surprises on u anyway. thereis never a "right" time, so just do it:P

i second tat Desire is far more important n u gotta want it badly n believe in the value of a YEP. true, there's the need to perform a juggling act of term papers, fund-raising, team bonding, meetings, meetings n more meetings but it's reali half the battle won if one is willing n pledges to go thru this process as cheerfully as s/he can. skills can b picked up, the willing soul can only b found within one's self.

the role of a leader may seem daunting but actually, when u see ur teammates pouring their energies into the YEP, u wd naturally step up n find watever it is tat u require within urself becos u wanna give ur best as a member of the team lar. so not to worry. i guess tat remains the problem of whether one's best is enough but personally, without giving myself any excuses, i feel tat the scope of a facilitator is virtually limitless n there's bound to b a few areas in wic one cocks up. so just acknowledge ur failings, pick urself up n resolve to do better the next time a similar scenario occurs lor.

go for it! ah le supports u!!
always, ah le:P

the rewards r great too since i have learnt to keep things real, be forthcoming yet obliging to listen, rely on my gut instincts yet soliciting for feedback, not take negative stuff personally yet trying to improve, process broader issues yet not get uptight and lose fun.

80th post

was looking at titles in Orchard Popular when a well-dressed white-haired man came over and pointed to the Marvel Superheroes titles behind me and started rambling on about these cartoon characters. then, he struck a conversation with me, asking me for my favourite character and giving tips on how to puncture tyres with a wire or something. i maintained eye contact with him, keeping up a decorum of polite interest at first becos i didn't want him to feel hurt. i thought that there's a part of him that would understand whether this skinny bespectacled teenage-looking stranger, me, was paying attention and i didn't want to deny him this thread to humanity. though, i soon freaked out a little and walked away from him. he didn't cease talking and followed me for a bit, to my discomfort.

why was he there at this point in time? was any body looking out for him? if he were alone, could he go home by himself?

i wondered how easy it is to slip over sanity's edge. and felt inexplicable emotions welling up

i found out that i would be going back army next thursday.

would miss my decadent lifestyle these two months
would miss staying up til 4+ am becos there wasn't anything to attend to the following day
would miss waking up at noon and having brunch
would miss my afternoon naps
would miss the luxury of devouring books single-mindedly
would miss the mind-numbing pleasure of finishing 2 (even 3!) movie vcds in one day
would miss updating this blog at a regular basis, despite the slight hurdle of my boring life
would miss exploring my inner self or letting this core be unexamined, depending on my whims
would miss being lazy

would mourn the end of this era before rejoining the rat race, full-battle-order

can you be fast friends with those who are very different from you?

had this thought a long time ago but since i verbalized this thought to aida tonight, i figured i would record here for all posterity

look at the cast of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. diversity makes for engaging TV but is such diversity realistic in real life contexts? or in Singapore, which i think its citizens are stratified on the basis of educational qualifications, income level, family background, ownership of cars etc

the village

interesting movie. left me with ambivalent feelings, since there are bits that i relished and others that i disliked with almost equal vengeance. trying to think of another movie in which the parts that i resonated with, either positively or negatively, had surfaced out without the need for much probing

i liked
~the setting, with the characters in their charming Elizabeth-period costumes and in the midst of lush greenery. a treat for the eyes cos the greenery seems to contribute a dimension of spaciousness to the screen and it just made me feel shiok that my eyes can explore all that is within the screen without the burden of urban clutter. btw, had to keep reminding myself that this is an American, not British cast
~how Shyamalan effectively engages the viewer with a "Show, not tell" technique. scenes that initially left me bewildered were cleverly resolved by latter scenes, without the answers being explicitly spelt out
~how Shyamalan spices things up by abrupting ending certain scenes, only to take them up later. indeed, why must one finish one scene entirely and properly before moving on to the next scene?
~a scene in which Ivy dashed to her fiance's place, with the turned-up volume of her laborious breathing as sound effects
~a scene in which the inarticulate Lucius awkwardly started talking deeply, then gathered momentum until his inner thoughts and hidden love for Ivy came pouring out in a rush of words
~the open-ended ending. do the elders want to continue their present way of life?

i disliked
~its slow pace. my expectation that the movie build up to a rousing flourish never materialized. left me stunned when the ending occurred, because i was still expecting bigger things to happen
~overuse of bong-pong-argh amplified sound effects as cheap shock thrills
~since it's being pegged as a horror show, its weak Blair Witch Project-like main body is intriguing but hardly scary

i think the village is multi-layered because
~one can dismiss it as an overhyped show about a blind girl stumbling through the woods or one can act arty farty and draw lots of themes and symbolism from it. (e.g. how we are conditioned to fear, the price one is willing to pay to attain his ideal lifestyle, escapism from life = cowardice or valor?, yadda dadda)

i'm quite ashamed that

angeline had to send this sms "Are you alive? You ignored me!! :( never reply my smses n my blog comment on ur blog man" before i was prodded out of my inertia

"so what have you been doing?" the most commonly asked question whenever people see me now

well, i have slipped quite comfortably into a depravity that's alarmingly routine. thing is, contrary to others' expectations, i kinda like this hiatus. not every 24-year-old can self-righteously defend his choice of spending his days mindlessly doing nothing. it's an addictively gorgeous lifestyle, once one gets used to the idea of staying at home.

except that i have grown too fond of mind-numbing myself on a diet of vcds, reading material, online surfing and even frivolous i-should-have-known-better-than-to-waste-time-like-that computer games like Hearts and FreeCell.

it's like i have switched to lethargy mode. between passive absorption and active mental activity, it's a no-brainer that i would choose the former option, man. it's so much easier to go with the flow and place another disc into the vcd player than to aggravate my dreary brain to think of responses to smses/blog comments.

not that i haven't realised so before but i was weak and continued to indulge my weakness. now that angeline has provided the stimulus, i should get a freaking grip on myself and maintain my friendships more diligently.

composite of memorables

at metta cattery

~walked Diu (the more I recite the name off my tongue, the more it sounds Vietnamese somehow), a dog whose size and mug would intimidate you into wanting to avoid all contact and whose accommodating, pleasant nature would surprise you. Man, it wasn't easy trying to bend a being with its own mind to my will

~bathed Luke, Mango and Diu. i think industrialization has brought about a radical change in that we aren't required to use our bare hands for hard work anymore. so I always feel that it is therapeutic to be able to do something worthwhile with my own hands. Not dictated by social conventions to be a farmer, bathing dogs may be an outlet in which i fulfill previous generations of humanity's way of life of working so intimately with their hands

~watched a kitten, barely three weeks old, yawn and stretch itself. ceaseless perfection exists man, in this creature who has lovely blue eyes and whose legs only match up to my pinky. how can something so small be so perfect?

~watched big fat blood-sucking parasitic ticks being plucked from their host doggies

~hearing to Siew Yin, the founder, talk in an easy-flowing manner about the life histories of the dogs and cats. some times, she referred to a particular cat and remarked, "it first came to metta cattery with its siblings. but its siblings died". in a society whose obsessions unfortunately don't extend to our animal friends, it's touching to meet Siew Yin who gives a damn about stray cats and understands them as if they were individuals. Humbling to hear her gush, without any sign of hesitation, about the unique personalities of her charges and how their idiosyncrasies have evolved. Inspiring that she devote so much time and energy into caring for them as their parent

Would I just be a regular run-of-the-mill lad, fumbling through life like everyone else or would I find my cause and pump incredible passion into it? would the latter even be a desirable option in the first place?