first of all, i wld like to say that his survey qns were loaded negatively! juz from reading the qns, dun u juz have a feeling that the setter of the qns was expecting a negative perception of UN?

2ndly, nobody likes to do GP essays in surveys!! maybe they'll oblige with a simple "circle 1-5" or a simple ans. so he shldn't expect GREAT inspirational answers from students who are in the midst of having their meals in the canteen.

Conclusion: Bad survey done by the RJ student! and ah le, my opinion is that he's not really a broad-minded citizen, but a normal movie-going, Friends-watching teenager who is trapped in an RJC uniform and has to complete his GP proj otherwise....his teacher might tear up his assignment?? juz jokin abt the tearing assignment part....heehee

a rambling, rojak style

i borrowed "A short guide for students: Creating the literature portfolio" recently. well, i think it would be good that i start a portfolio in case i am really going to quit teaching after my bond and pursue dreams of writing for the mass media. though recently i have been thinking that it isn't a bad idea to teach forever after all. i guess i have been reading too many columns about how folks feel anxious about being retrenched and not being able to find other jobs because of the age factor. sigh, surely teaching is one of the few occupations left that offers a stable iron rice bowl? i'm cowardly. :(

i think i understand better just what "bowling for columbine" means when its director says that the mass media is responsible for instilling a climate of fear and paranoia and that's why Americans feel unsafe and may be more inclined to resort to gun-killing.

anyway, this is why i joined the Singapore Writers' Fest SMS Haiku Competition. (incidentally, a haiku is a 5-7-5 syllabled poem that crystallises a moment in time)

Scorching rays beat hard
tiger forced to look straight when
tourists snap photos

i want to thank Florence for suggesting "straight" (as opposed to my original "direct"). As she said, it frees up the last five syllables for me to tighten the haiku. thanks gal, muchly appreciated....:P

anyway, i wanna express what i saw when i went to Thailand. i went to this zoo and three staff were standing behind this tiger in its enclosure and prodded into position so that trigger-happy tourists could take photos of themselves standing besides this majestic beast. and oh, there was a box near by in which you were thanked for "kindly putting in your donations"

does the zoo authorities really have to do this? as a means to cover operating costs? it's freaking hot and tigers are nocturnal animals, so why can't they let it have a nice nap, for goodness' sake?

i was irritated that our fellow creatures are exploited by us selfish homo sapiens in such a way. and i felt irritated because i also wanna take a photo with the tiger, god darn it, but i couldn't because i badly wanted to stick to principles and not add to the demand for such senseless activities

okay, i learnt that i am sorta an animal-lover

anyway, i am proud of our Mandai Zoo. because for most of the time, it leaves the animals alone to roam free in fake-but-close-to-the-real-thing settings. and you may never appreciate what you have until you invite comparison.

Just now, when i was having lunch at NUS arts canteen, a RJC student approached me and asked if i could help him do a survey for his Project Work. So being the nice guy that i am, i obliged readily. But imagine questions like these

1) How do you see the United Nations as a leading world peace organization?
2) Do you think there are problems within United Nations? if so, what are they?
3) How do you think the United Nations can be improved?
4) What are some external problems that United Nations is facing? etc etc

and finally the spectaular mind-blower:

Do you see a resemblance between the United Nations and the League of Nations? ( okay, what on earth is that? someone enlighten me!)

I had a wonderful time trying to crap my way through though. Kinda reminded me of the old glorious days when I had to do likewise for Economics. Isn't it amazing how you can swiftly form multiple sentences about something you barely understand and hardly think about, if you have to?

I wanted to ask just what the League of Nations is all about but i held back when it came to the crunch. I also wanted to apologise for offering such silly, trivial answers but then decided that i shouldn't need to apologise for my ignorance.

I'm horribly superficial and shallow. My days are mind-numblingly filled by watching tons and tons of FRIENDS vcds while other people are actively building up their portfolios as broad-minded global citizens. (i mean it half in jest, half-seriously) Yet, there's a bizarre perverse sense of pride in me even as i'm declaring my "traumatisation".

RJC students! Elitism alert! Negative association! Me not like them! ha!

26/7/03 (Sat)
NDP Preview 2003 or the One Where the Kallang Wave isn't what it used to be

--been to 2 NDP previews but remember shockingly little of those two events. hence, this ramble to record this experience for posterity

--pestered my not-say-very-enthusiastic friend to arrive at 4+ because i didn't want to miss the pre-parade
--crap, the stadium wasn't even half filled when we arrived. so i sat, feeling bored and hot and the weight of my bag on my lap
--motivators (they are not called cheerleaders these days?) tried to entertain us in the meantime. They tossed sweets/tibits to eager spectators. (to which a spolit girl several rows behind me loudly demanded, "I want! I want! I want!" and her father self-indulgently excused her behaviour by saying, "there's us Singaporeans. we always want to get freebies". If she were my daughter, you would think I would be jolly well embarrassed). they blew balloons and bubbles and one guy motivator even sprayed his water guy around

--Gurmit Singh and Sharon Au were terrific as emcees. The former almost singlehandedly rallied our spirits with his loud wacky humour while the latter attracted bemused stares by running around in circles and carelessly throwing her arms in all sorts of directions.
--Li lin and Jean Danker weren't. Li-lin made a boo-boo when her voice trailed off to an awkward silence as she was running towards the spectators. Jean just stood there and looked pretty. Hardly a contributing member at all.

How NDP 2003 stood out from the rest

--more lively parade. army contingents marched to the tune of upbeat music and executed some simple moves! i guess just standing still like statues is no longer enough to whet the appetite of the increasingly sophisticated Singaporean? also liked how the civilian contingents just dashed off towards the exits in wild abandon instead of marching off in previous years. Yes, spare us the boredom of trying to pinpoint flawed matching and get on with the show man!

--was taught the Unity Chant "One People, One Nation, One Singapore", which they had incorporated into the acts performed later on. Throwing our fists in the air and uttering the chant made me feel like we were the hapless participants of a brain-washing revolution led by a draconian government but heck, it was a simple and effective way to get the ordinary spectator involved

--Special tribute item to our health care workers. the clip of the mother of a casualty nurse weeping that she "said bye-bye" still got to me

--two video clips of PM Goh and one clip of SM Lee, with their thoughts of why Singapore is home and expectations that we will prevail, just as we have always prevailed in the past. An effort by the organisers to boost the morale of the nation in this economic slump? An opportunity created so that we would affirm our loyalties in the midst of this stayer/quitter debate?

--the inclusion of children with special learning needs in one item. Was this move unprecedented? I guess this is just a token gesture and i shouldnt read too much into it. But for someone whose pet peeve about Singapore is how it promotes elitism to the negligence of the needs of everyone else, i applaude this as a small but significant move in the evolution of a more caring society

Personal thoughts

--two singaporeans with their different approaches to enjoying the same NDP preview

to my left, a guy in the mid-20s didn't join in the flag-waving, clappers-banging, song-singing etc and just sat impassively. did he think me a nuisance as i sang too loudly and utilised my clappers way too often? a middle-aged man in the row before me was chanting the Unity Chant enthusiastically and egging his son on to do likewise. i raised my eyebrows because i was amused to witness such pride.

--my fellow spectators must be NDP veterans or something. Cameras just snapped away whenever something particularly exciting happened on the field. How on earth did they know what to expect and hence lie in wait for the moments to secure good photos? in self-denial mode, i dismissed their skilfulness aisde by convincing myself that i wouldn't want to take photos of stuff that everyone else had taken. *grins*

I was disappointed not to snap a photo of the fly-past of the State Flag by three helicopters but i did think it was a bit rude to get out my camera in the midst of singing the National Anthem. So that's that lah

24/7/03 (Thurs)--Commencement Ceremony for Sci Faculty

After deciding that attending the commencement is beneath me and no, thank you, i don't need to acquire that kind of memories at all, I gave in and appeared at the scene and even became Fang's impromptu photographer (crossing fingers that the photos will turn out good!)

I hate taking photos. I just don't know how to smile for the camera. Grin too broadly and I will turn out in furrowed brows, looking strained and exposing the fact that i am trying too hard. Grin lightly and I will appear "wooden" and pale in comparison to my mates with beaming smiles and perfect teeth. Sigh, sigh...

What struck me most was how Wendy implored that we keep in touch, tears welling up in her eyes, saying how she didn't derive anything from these three years, except for a couple of friends.

Perhaps we were just caught up in the moment and won't act on our earnest promises, when we are back to struggling with the mundane obligations of everyday life and aren't so "high" anymore. But it was nonetheless a poignant, haunting moment.

I remember sitting alone and feeling lonely in the midst of the lively chatter during one of my first lectures in NUS. And how seeing the enthusiastic waving and beckoning of Fang and the slightly-embarrassed look of Sun filled me with this warm, glorious feeling of relief that there would at least be some familiar faces around.

I remember feeling not-very-hopeful about making friends in university. perhaps i felt superior then and was adamant that i wouldn't be able to meet like-minded souls like i would definitely do in Mass Communciations (close-knit faculty, interesting characters, happening lecturers who count horse-riding and sky-diving as their hobbies, 70% gals)

i have been so desperate to get out of Chemistry that i have also forgotten to count my blessings. But Wendy's heartfelt remark has brought me belatedly to my consciousness.

Yes, writing a blog is such an outrageously fun, self-indulgent activity that i wonder just how come i haven't jumped in the bandwagon earlier. But where's the fun in maintaining a blog when you have no friends to humour you and drop by occasionally? or when none of your peeps keep an online journal so that you can reciprocate likewise?

This seems like the appropriate moment to rattle off names but i don't want to sound like a hyper teen gal dedicating a song on air for the first time. So I will just say that i am gratified that my life has been enriched because I met you in NUS

Thanks for seeing me this far

Missed Photo Opportunity

when i was returing home, i chanced upon this cat lying blissfully on top of a car. The light wasn't good enough for me to see its colour clearly but lights or no lights, i made up my mind (pretty decisively) that i wasn't going to let this opportunity slip by

as i took out my camera and prepared for my shot, the cat sensed my movements, moved away from my position and jumped down from the car. In no time, it was gone.

Cat-1, clumsy human-nil

21/7/03 (Mon)

i finally got to chill out at Marina Pacific Coffee Company. This milestone occasion was made more memorable by the fact that Angeline read aloud her latest writings for the first time. Plus, as a bonus, she zapped extra copies so that i could hog as keepsake.

I hereby declare unabashedly to the whole world (or to the 10-odd people that know of this site) that I love Angeline's works!

I received Shimin's letter and gift. Thanks for the gesture, gal! She said she loves my blog btw

Thank you, Kaiming, for giving me the number of Arriter Tuition Agency. I'm going for an interview as a teacher at a tuition centre tomorrow. i hope it all works out.

YX, a Sec 5/1 student whom i met from my attachment last year, messaged me out of the blue yesterday and asked whether macroeconomics is difficult. I am reminded fondly of the time when Junxiang called me up shortly after the release of the "O" level results, told me of his desire to study Aerospace Engineering and asked me whether he should sign on. Also, today i checked my email and found an email addressed to me and Mr Kwok (my mentor) by YX.

I shall be brutally honest here. A part of me finds YX clingy and needy and i tell myself to stay emotionally detached.

But to the teachers and would-be teachers patronising this site, isn't this precisely the reason why we all decide to become teachers? To be a presence in our charges' lives and help them to make informed decisions?

it's so enormously flattering and heartwarming that impressionable teenagers like me enough to ask me for my opinions when i know i'm such a flawed human being. And i'm motivated in my quest to become a better person.

Alex san, gambatte yo with your NT class!

I'm a published writer!

okay, so it's just a less-than-30-words snippet but what the heck! i'm going to stroke my ego indulgently until my bloated head bursts *grins*

my submission to "Things That Make Us Singaporean", the NDP book that will be distributed as part of the funpack this year, is accepted! I received 2 tickets to the NDP Preview as a reward!

--Come this August, i will have gone to 3 NDP Previews when i turn 23. i think this makes for a kewl piece of trivia

I Am
--determined to be a participant or spectator at the actual NDP one fine day.

--looking forward to this year's NDP Preview because winning the tickets makes me feel like i have worked for the privilege.

--honoured to be included in such a symbolic event, albeit in a small way.

--excited to receive a book in which i can recognise my own writing. It seems surreal that my writing is actually *gasp* published and will be read by tons and tons of Singaporeans. I hope the national libraries carry this book

--curious to see the drawings or photos that will appear alongside my submission

--hesitant to spend $8 on a Giordano red "I Love Singapore" T-shirt, even though i know part of the profits will be donated to the Community Chest

--paranoid that i would fall sick on the day of the preview and not be allowed to attend. i will make a conscious effort not to eat too much fried food or keep late nights or engage in rigorous activities and stuff like that.

--soooo happy, more so since i was a bit bummed as i believed that my submission wouldn't be accepted. Success tastes sweeter after you are convinced that you have failed and hence harbour no expectations

"So what's the big deal about attending the NDP Preview? i won't attend a event reeking of such propaganda even if you pay me to" you may feel this way and accuse me of making a mountain out of a molehill

Well. though the NDP Preview is a mere shadow of its more glamorous counterpart, being able to watch it means a lot to me. And i'm not embarrassed to admit it:P

********************************************************
1) We complain loudly when subjected to inconvenience but are willing to stand like penguins for hours to secure freebies

2) Carrying tin cans, our teenagers brace the elements and glares from unmoved strangers to raise funds for the less fortunate every Saturday

I reckon the 2nd submission got me the tickets? I'm embarrassed though to say that i thought i had penned down a gem, something that would dramatically highlight a long-overlooked Singaporean phenomenon when i wrote the first one. Turned out that quite a number of the submissions were about our penchant for queuing. Argh!

acknowledgements to shimin for showing me the way to this article

i thought J.K.Rowling's description about Harry feeling his heart clogged up behind his Adam's apple was lame and unnecessarily melodramatic. yet, i felt similarly when i read this letter

i didn't know autistic children need such special attention. i thought with more supervision and guidance, these children can be easily integrated into the mainstream system.

but if autistic children are Special people, can Duane really feel and conceptualise and verbalise the sentiments as expressed in the letter? His dad wrote the letter on his behalf, or so he said. Did the elder Goh unwittingly sensationalise the issue? I know i sound callous saying this but i'm really curious

I am so ashamed of myself for always lamenting my miserable time in the Sci faculty, for always self-mockingly whining about my mundane existance while people like Daune have to deal with struggles in every aspect of their lives, the most formidable task of all to gain approval from society or even their parents.

What a brisk slap across the face. What a humbling lesson on contentment.

hence a prominent showcase here to remind myself of the simple pleasures i already possess.

********************************
OPEN LETTER TO PM GOH
We're special people, don't forget about us
THIS is an open letter to the Government and Singaporeans, from Duane Goh, an autistic person born that way.

I am writing this letter through my dad because I am a Special Person unable to write comprehensively for myself.

I am writing because I am very happy that the Prime Minister himself said that he can accept even a homosexual because that person was born that way. So I ask: Can the Prime Minister accept me because I was also born 'that way' - not a gay, but an autistic.

If the Prime Minister and everyone else can accept me, then may I ask why the educational privileges given to all children are not extended to people like me in the special schools. Why the Sars kit given to all schoolchildren is not given to children who are like me? My 'whys' go on and on.

After all, I did not ask to be autistic or handicapped intellectually. I may behave differently from other people, but I do it openly and there is no secret about it. I pose no danger to others as I just talk to myself - I cannot help it, it's the autistic part of me. And yet people think that I am some kind of a spook and shun me.

I am usually a very happy person and when I think of funny things, I laugh - and I am not even aware that people around me look at me with disdain. I am glad that I don't know much about what people are saying about me or I may no longer laugh but cry myself to death.

Sometimes I wonder why my parents look so sad and troubled and embarrassed whenever I do some of the things that I mentioned when I am out in public.

The things I do openly, I hope I could do privately one day, then perhaps everyone might accept me the way I am.

I know that I am a full citizen of Singapore and yet I am not treated equally. But I am still a happy person, loving my country and hoping that my country in turn will love me because I was born the way I am.


GOH KIM JOO
on behalf of son DUANE

well, i feel compelled to say that i am not such a horny bastard actually. the "sex-demanding" was included so as to raise chuckles, bemused looks and perhaps even horrified glares from my listeners

i'm all bark and no bite sadly

The next time someone asks me to use three words to describe myself, i reckon my answer will be "fun-loving, truth-seeking and sex-demanding"

i guess you noticed that my three choices are compound words--words that are formed by joining two words in which the former is a noun and the latter is a verb?

well, this may sound duh to you but i happen to think that it is pretty kewl. it certainly satisfies my Virgo perfectionist instincts. ha!

why this episode will remain as one of the coolest and most memorable experiences in my blog-writing life ever

I wasn't going to write tonight. but something happened to make me feel all excited and exhilarated that writing this now seems to be no effort at all

I was randomly surfing and was shocked to see sharon au standing besides this bespectacled guy in a polaroid picture that has been uploaded on his blog. Upon reading further, i discovered that he is a long-standing and close friend of Sharon Au

Trying to stop my shaking fingers from stumbling all over, i hurriedly wrote the following email to him:

****************************************
Hi Danny,

I did some random surfing on the net as usual and it appears that you are a
close friend of Sharon Au. i hope it isn't too rude of me to ask you for a
flavor but would you please kindly pass this mini article below along to
Sharon Au? It is proudly posted on my online journal and I will be so
grateful.

Can you also tell her that i was one of those cynical folks who didn't see
the point about the hype surrounding Harry Potter until i read that she was
a sceptic who became a convert when she decided to give Harry a chance and
read the books for herself? well, she kinda influenced me to be open-minded
and now, i am a convert and a die-hard fan too!

i presume you are her JC confidante who wrote about your friendship with her
in an old issue of I-Weekly? well, that article you wrote kinda struck me
deeply because i wondered if you were the "friend who lived a block away to
type into a Microsoft Word document....". Hmm, your existance may be humble
as compared to Sharon's but hey, you are not an unknown in my eyes.:P

I think it's so cool that you remain firm friends with Sharon, despite her
working in the entertainment industry. Please take my sentiment in good
faith, for I mean it sincerely and not as a condescending remark or
anything.

thanks and regards,
kaile

p/s: btw, in case you are curious, i am 23, M, struggling student at NUS and
forever fathoming the true meaning of life (being melodramatic is one of my
characteristics!):P
*******************************************

i'm so glad i took up blog-writing, if for nothing else. firstly, i was compelled to write about my feelings for Sharon Au's article and secondly, she may get to read it because i have been satisfying my curiosity by lurking at other people's blogs

After an Indian moneychanger conned me of S$5.40 over circumstances that i'm too embarrassed to reveal here, i realise that i place too much faith in the innate goodness of people. even when i have my suspicions, i'm still inclined to soften up and give others the benefit of the doubt. and when it comes to the crunch, my mind goes numbingly blank and that i can't and don't think on my feet quick enough

Argh! it's one thing not to think of yourself as streetwise; it's quite another to be proven as such. and it's not like i can excuse my ignorance because of age and cut myself some slack. other people my age are balancing family finances with job/career responsibilities. how can i be so pathetically deluded?

i was pissed off by the dishonest and cunning moneychanger but i was even more pissed off with myself for being a victim. i should have known better. i should have stood my foot down. i should have been more aggressive.

irony: i think the moneychanger took his chances initially because i look younger than my 23 years. but it's due to my babyish face that i could plead that i am just a student and managed to recoup some of my losses

oh well, i guess we all learn from our mistakes...

if i type "watashi" instead of "me" in my smses, can this mean that i am trying to distance and detach myself from the person i'm messaging with since Japanese is my third language? I wonder how those experts on pragmatics will perceive this?

had my Beginners' Stage 3 sign lang test on Sun. Ann signed really fast and I missed out just-one-is-already-too-much words. felt oh-so-tempted to copy from Shan because i so bloody wanted to get the correct answers done on my paper.

but even as i was wishing that i could copy, i knew i wouldnt copy, given the opportunity. Not because i have strong morals and feel that cheating is ethnically wrong. Or that i think copying from Shan is beneath me. But because my proud streak dominates here. I won't want to copy because I don't want to have an edge over others in a test that matters something to me

i wonder if i have nauseatingly gross morals

On Fri, I woke up quite suddenly and dashed immediately for the toilet, rubbing my stomach helplessly as if that would somehow appease the ache that was wreaking havoc on my fragile system.

I spent the morning in bed, curled up like a foetus and trying valiantly to nap. oh well, i derived some comfort from lying in such an absurd position

is this what a woman has to suffer through when she gives birth? i thought. and counted my blessings that i am not a woman

"An open letter to Kym Ng, my friend, rival & ex-colleague...Sharon Au writes her own cover story!"

so says the teaser on the front cover of 8 days

i read and was oddly touched. Oddly, because i didn't know what exactly induced me to re-read her article again and again

maybe it's because it isn't everyday that i find a high-profile celebrity expressing her thoughts unreservedly on her friendship with another high-profile celebrity and hence, my voyeuristic interests are satisfied. maybe it's because sharon declares her affection and loyalty to kym and pines so much for their days as City Beat hosts that such a tribute to friendship captivates me. or maybe it's because of the way "rival" is used here as an attention-grabber that i wonder just how multi-faceted their friendship is and admire the way they remain firm friends in spite of it

if my peers become high-fliers and earn big bucks and such, will i be self-assured enough to stay around? or detach myself, for fear of rejection of my unworthiness? or turn competitive and put friendships on the back seat because i so wanna outshine them and emerge as the "winner"?

i wonder and fear that i will miss sharon au greatly when she leaves for New York, even though i cannot stand her too-exuberant screen presence at times

Phoebe(Friends) is searching for irony in her life. Holden(The Catcher in the Rye) approves of genuineness in his life. I have decided that i am groping for spontaneity in this bland existance of mine!

so how will you define your pursuit in one word?

I was Zi's inspiration for getting a blog! what a booster to the ego! i'm flattered

the marvels of SMS. larry (whose current residence is Pulau Tekong) and i have been exchanging smses now and then, dissing life in PTP/BMT and its associated woes. sometimes while we are sms-ing, i stare in incredulity and gratitude at the technology that provides two individuals the opportunity to bridge emotional distance. because if we are still living in the times of enduring long queues to make a hasty five-minute call before others behind you make impatient grunts, such a connection wouldn't have occurred